Marathon, Round 2.

I set out this morning for a run I have been dreading for longer than a week. It was 17 miles of hills, and I had used a race predictor to pace out exactly what time I needed for this run. I have been dreaming of using my next marathon to qualify for Boston, but for a number of reasons (excuses, really) I haven't put the time and heart into training in order to do it safely. I finally registered for my next marathon 1 week ago today. It will be June 2nd. Since then I have been feeling the stress of adding too much mileage and too much speed. I have replaced the enjoyment I used to feel with frustration and stress, and instead of feeling like I am conquering something, I feel like I'm trying desperately not to get stomped on.

During my last long run, I started out thinking "I can because I have to." Then I realized I had it backwards. "I have to because I CAN. My strength doesn't come from my goal, it comes from my refusal to admit defeat. It comes from my fire, and and the time and talent I have spent already preparing that I refuse to waste." I somehow got through the miles, one step at a time. I wondered why I've always felt a compelling need to accomplish things that are beyond my preparation and ability. 

This  morning I got to my 2 mile point, 18 seconds behind schedule. I pressed on up the next hill, determined to make up the time. I didn't. I remembered a quote, somewhere around mile 5, that had gotten me through a tough spot in my first marathon. "Running is 90 percent mental and the rest is in your head." I queued up Daft Punk and practically sprinted to "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger." I had conquered the steepest hill on my run, my pace was awesome, and I felt incredible. I paused a moment to stretch- my poor legs were feeling a little worse for the wear- and as I tried to run again my left knee was screaming in pain. I wanted to cry. I tried again, 3 times, but this was a pain I didn't recognize. Everything I have read and heard about "overuse" injuries came crashing down on me. I remembered reading that if you under-train you might not finish, but if you over-train you might not start. I realized that this doesn't just apply to newbies, it applies to me. I also realized that even if it is possible for me to finish God's Country in 3:35, I will probably hate every second of the training and the marathon. It was apparent that I needed to refocus, and change my goal to "finish." I'm done punishing myself, and ready to enjoy running again. There are just 5 weeks between me and a marathon I am no longer afraid of- bring it!